7.13.2017

Vulnerability Sucks ... Banana Bread Does Not


I don't think I slept well, too much on my mind. I'm pretty sure that's how a bad day starts... with the night before. Then little things trigger bigger things inside. You just can't seem to feel good about how your makeup looks, all of your clothes suck (aka: you feel huge), you're having a forever bad hair day, the dryer never started last night so clothes are still wet that you need for today, and for no legit reason your anxiety decides to show up - guns blazing.

You scream at your kids, immediately know you're out of line and feel a huge rush of guilt. You apologize 5 seconds later and like always... they say "it's okay mommy".

More mom guilt.

You wonder how long they will be little enough to always forgive you, and love you SO unconditionally.

Another rush of anxiety hits hard.

Nothing sounds good for breakfast... who am I kidding, brunch - because actually getting to the thought of knowing you need to eat SOMETHING so that you can eliminate "hangry" off of the reasons you feel out of control today, takes way longer when you're sifting through a fog of other intense feelings.

An over easy egg, blueberries and Oreo Thins it is.
#breakfastofchampions

You try SO hard to pull it together, wonder why you can't swallow all the chunks of emotion bubbling up under your throat, and end up losing it in the car after you pull into the garage.

10 minutes go by and you worry about wasting gas and if you're killing the environment singlehandedly, so you finally decide to go inside and cry it out in a more "green" way.
Meanwhile you're pissed that you even care about the stupid car and the dumb earth.

Now you feel bad about calling the earth dumb, because...you know... earth is obviously the awesomest. 

You laugh at your own thoughts, because how #whitegirl do you sound... and this tiny moment of lightheartedness opens up and allows for an empowering moment of thought.

You remember what your therapist said once...
Life: It is what it is.
You can't control anything but yourself and how you react. So take a deep breath, acknowledge your shit (fear/anger/sadness/anxiety) and then figure out how to deal with it.

Yes. Therapy really helps.

Today I feel completely self absorbed.
I need to get out of my head.
Creating something... anything, usually helps me.
Pretty pictures of memories I've created, help me to put life into perspective.
Knowing I can "bank" beautiful pictures into a sea of my other cherished memories to keep forever, helps me to remember that life is almost always good - the #1 reason I started blogging. 

So naturally there has to be shitty times too right?... so that we can truly appreciate all the great ones.

"Some days are just filled with too much feeling."
Today's thoughts from my bff👆

Banana bread and my best friend helped me to gain some much needed perspective today. And I didn't feel like pretending for anyone today, that I just "felt like baking for no reason".

Vulnerability sucks. It's uncomfortable... yet freeing at the same time. 
It opens up the door for criticism AND connection. 
Most people are afraid to receive one over the other.
Most times I am too.    

I've decided that no matter how amazing everyone's lives may appear, we ALL have our "shit" and demons to deal with, so...
It's Okay to not be Okay.

There's is no quick fix for a day like today. Some days just feel really, really hard.
And time is the only thing that will really heal the hurt.

For me? Life, especially recently, has been full of lots of big and little waves.
Sometimes I can ride them out, and other times they topple me completely flat
... but at least I'm still on the beach - and now, I've got baked goods😏
Friggin' amazing carbs can at least help start heal a crappy day.  Take my word for it.

13 comments:

  1. Praying for you friend!! This is the honest truth, you were on my heart this morning as I was putting aside some colour pop goodies for you. You are so right about us all having our demons, it's so easy to think everyone has this picture perfect life bc of how social media can appear. Not faulting it, but I think often times we think that!
    Love and hugs to you!! xo

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  2. Thank you for writing this down, I've just had a day like this. It always helps when you know you're not the only one dealing with this. Maybe a should make a bananabread too! With love from Holland

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  3. Totally get ya on the blindsided anxiety, just when you think "I got this", sometimes you just don't, and like you said, that's ok! I made banana bread twice last week and yes the carbs are healing. Hope today is a better day!

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  4. I'm praying for you! That you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your heart and mind as you live in Christ Jesus - Philipians 4:7

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  5. I'm so sorry for whatever you are going through, big and/or small. It is wonderful to have a friend though. Thank you for being vulnerable. We are dealing with a flood here in northwestern Ohio and drying out our basements, getting our town moving again, so we've had a hard couple of days, but the sun is shining this morning! BIG hug to you.

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  6. I am so right there with you. Tomorrow is another day and by God's goodness it will be a glorious day!

    Hugs.

    Patti H

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  7. This is real. This is life. Some days are good and some days hurt. And the folks that care the most, feel it the most. Enjoy that banana bread and let it kick start the good days again!

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  8. I really miss your regular posts, so I was excited to see this one pop up in my feed. I know these feelings all too well. Especially the mom guilt. I hope everything turns out okay for you - and the banana bread looks wonderful. :)

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  9. I know I don't "know" you......but I really feel like you are a kindred spirit!!! Love this post!!

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  10. I hope you are having a better day! One day I saw you on Temple Square, I felt like we should be friends. So, friend, a big hug to you!

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  11. Think of you often old friend. I am always here.

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  12. I think you just wrote about the day in the life of me. I never realized what anxiety can really do to derail your day. I'm also learning how to work through it. Thanks for being vulnerable it makes the rest of us feel normal.

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