This morning was tough. I felt like everything was working against me.
As I pulled up at the gym after FINALLY dropping the girls off to school... 20 minutes late I might add... It clicked. I need to go home and write. Write while these feelings are raw and at the front of my mind. So here it goes.
So I'm home now. All day.
I have no outside job, event or responsibility other than my husband, my kids, the upkeep of my house, and the blog... of course, to worry about.
There's not too much to tell. I was just ready to be home again.
This transition (for my personality) has been a bit tougher than I thought it would be.
I'm trying to not let ALL of my newfound free time be completely filled with the everyday monotony of picking up the house, making dinner, running errands and getting back into a workout routine (blehhh).
But then when I get close to feeling like I've got a bunch of that stuff under control... I start dreaming about ALL of the millions of house projects I want to do, and completely overwhelm myself.
It feels like being a crazed artist, standing in a studio with an infinite amount of amazing brushes and paint, but no canvas in site. That's the only good way for me to explain it.
So what does this have to do with this morning?
As a Mom and wife that has ALWAYS brought in an income, this is the first time that I haven't.
Yes, blogging brings in a bit here and there, but nothing really consistently... unless I have a ba-jillion page views... which I definitely do NOT. And unless I slave away here posting about something AMAZING, NEW, EXCITING and PIN-WORTHY everyday... those ba-jillions of page views won't come, and either will the extra bit of money along with it. (shrug)
At this point in my blogging journey, I'm tired.
I'm just sort of done blogging for everyone else. I'm ready to get back to more of my ramblings and everyday life moments, with home projects and an occasional DIY project or recipe mixed in. I miss that kind of blogging.
So, long story short... I blog when I want and how I want now. Sometimes it's once a day, sometimes it's once a month. I refuse to let money or status be the reason I share my creativity or life. I want to blog because I'm excited to... not because I have to.
All of that being said, being home, being happy, finding quiet moments of stillness and really reconnecting with what grounds me everyday, makes me feel GUILTY.
I cried to Cason about this for about an hour last night.
I feel guilty about not bringing in money.
I feel guilty about "just" being home and loving it!
I feel guilty that my husband has to go to work everyday and now has to carry the sole income for our family. (which by the way, he somehow is totally fine with, and feels no stress at all... wouldn't that kind of personality be nice!?)
All of this guilt put on me ONLY by myself, sort of ruins my joy everyday.
WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT!?!?!?!?
WHY DO WE DO THIS AS WOMEN!?
I'm not speaking for ALL women here, but I know I'm in a pool with a few more than just me and a couple of my close friends who will all agree, that sometimes the guilt of being happy will creep in to rear it's ugly head from time to time.
Guilt is an emotional killer!
Unnecessary guilt about what I should, could or would do better, is something that I'm realizing keeps me from being 100% in the moment a lot of the time.
Am I a good enough wife?
Am I a good enough Mom?
Am I a good enough blogger, friend, counselor at church, etc...?
And this my lovelies, is where being home and alone, and with my thoughts for TOO long really starts to mess with me.
Do I sound completely crazy yet?
Good. Because sometimes I feel like it. And if you ever feel the same way... I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. I'm right there with you.
This morning was tough. I feel like everything was working against me.
Because of my crying rant last night to Cason, I stayed up later than I should of, which made it a lot harder to get up this morning and get going.
5 seconds before we walk out the door Emberly starts whining about how school lunch is going to be gross today.
At first I feel like saying... "Sucks for you, you should of made a lunch for yourself while you were down here goofing off"... but then the GUILT kicks in, and I happily say "If everyone helps, we can whip together sandwiches and a few snacks really fast!"
In the middle of a ham, cheese and condiments tornado, Aubrielle jumps up on the counter to "help" and flips a knife full of mayo on the ground sending white globby bits all over the floor and wall.
I stay calm; firmly ask her to get her "BUTT OFF THE COUNTER!" and bark orders at my two dogs to stop licking the mayo up while I frantically top off sandwiches and then rinse out a dirty dishrag to clean up the rest of the mess.
Everyone has lunches in hand. All is well in the world.
Then I hear a loud CRASH.
Emberly has accidentally bumped an entire box full of mason jars onto the garage floor, sending about a ka-jillion shards of tiny pieces of glass all over the place.
And then I got a broom.
My kids all go silent and just start walking around in a panic when I do this.
(does that last sentence make it sound like I've behaved like this more than once? well good, because I DEFINITELY have.)
I immediately feel GUILTY for losing my temper over something that was an accident.
We are now 10 minutes late.
I sweep up everything I can in a hurry so I can back my car out without slicing my tire on broken mason jar glass.
Emberly is red in the face and sweetly trying to hold the dust pan for me as I continue to cry.
I look at her and feel GUILTY. (surprise!)
I call the dogs BACK in the house, because they have now run outside again.
I shut the garage door. Take a deep breath, and then Emberly let's me know she forgot her backpack inside.
I lean forward and rest my forehead on the steering wheel in complete defeat.
We are now 16 minutes late.
We finally got to school at 8:35. Twenty minutes after the bell rings.
During our 4 minute car ride to school I apologize about yelling and losing my tempter, tell the girls I love them and that Mommy is just having a rough morning.
Lovingly they all say "it's okay" and I hear a little "sorry for spilling those jars" come from Emberly in the back.
I cry a little more.
Some more GUILT kicks in.
How is it that kids can bring you SO much happiness, and yet so much anger, guilt and confusion all at the same time?
Looking back at what happened less than an hour ago... NOW makes me feel like a complete crazy person!
It was just jars. Nobody got hurt, and I could care LESS about those stupid things.
It was "spilled milk" and I cried over it! (???)
Being a wife and mom is the most emotionally taxing journey I think we as women will EVER take. And I've decided that the GUILT is only there when we welcome it in.
It's something that WE decide to feel, let in, and rule our day.
I love this quote.
It puts things into perspective for me and all of my perfectly imperfect ways of thinking.
I'm ready to shake off the guilt of whatever I think I should do or be, and start feeling JOY in what I am NOW.
Everyone loses it from time to time right? Nobody has got it all figured out.
Kids forgive you, husbands still love you, and the days keep moving on.
It's time to start forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings and faults. To stop feeling guilty, and to start living in each moment like it's all that matters!
I'm SO ready.
Pep talk over. Time to go to the gym. bleeehhhhh